Monique Howat is a motivator who works with youth and adults through her company confident girls and guys. She is extremely proud of her three accomplished daughters.

CHATTERPAUL’S IN WHITBY . . . 1:00 p.m.

Shrimp Thai Curry for Monique and Warm Spinach and Shrimp Salad for me.

THE CONVERSATION

Monique Howat is a New Year’s baby.  She credits that with the fact that she becomes pensive at this time of year, but admits that she is reflective every day. The focus may vary, but she is consistent. Every New Year, she takes the time to list ten lessons she has learned. It is a practice she has been doing for over thirty years.

She also lists the two best things and the two worst things that have happened to her each year. She says, “In the fifteenth year, I said why am I doing this? What I discovered when I flipped the pages of the book was the things I had deemed as the bad events were absolutely connected to the good events.”

So Monique’s optimism does not come from an absence of struggle in her life.  She grew up with two alcoholic parents and no longer has contact with her siblings. She explains, “I would have loved to have had a relationship. Unfortunately there is much disconnect in families where everyone is wounded, everybody.”

Her choices were clear and she left young. She says, “It was me saying I will never be like that. I didn’t know how I would go about it because I was so young. When I took my dog and my backpack full of books and hitchhiked my way out of BC, I wasn’t trying to run away from my family. I loved them. I just knew instinctively that there was happiness. I didn’t know where or how to find it.”

People say she was lucky, but Monique knows she made a choice. She had already been expelled from high school, twice. She was “hit hard with acute panic and anxiety and used to run out of the classroom into the bush.” She tried to get help but was unable to find any so she says, “I asked myself what would I want someone to say if they could help me.”

Monique had a little piece of mirror that she would look into and she would use it to tell herself all of the things she longed to hear from someone else. It was there that she began to appreciate herself and she made a connection to herself that she has not lost.

“All the girls around me were starting self loathing and I was loving myself.”  Her age at that time, fourteen, took on even more significance when her niece hung herself at the same age.  Monique feels that could have been her had she not found hope.

She says, “I made a promise to the heavens and to her. This was how confident girls got started but it wasn’t supposed to be a business. I just hoped somebody would hear me out.” They have been listening ever since, even though Monique was terrified by her absence of public speaking experience.

Monique’s specialty is self esteem.  She says, “Every single human being is at risk for low self esteem at some point in their lives. They’re taken out at the knees and staring at heaven saying somebody help me. Everybody has a moment like that. Having the tools makes the difference.”

Monique admits that some might consider her tools unconventional, but she has become more and more confident presenting her own ideas and stories. She only started sharing her experience using the mirror in the last few years. While she was worried that people might not be able to relate, the feedback she received suggested just the opposite.

While Monique has techniques for living a good life, she is not a fan of the bucket list. She says, “If I do a bucket list, I pigeon hole myself. My bucket list starts in January and is revised in June. I look at it every Sunday.”

She says, “I may not be good at a lot of things, but I am good at developing ways for people to see who they are. Once they see it they’re going to like it. There is a real need. It’s not just youth. It’s adults. They don’t feel honoured. They don’t feel acknowledged. They’re not feeling accepted. They’re not feeling respected.”

She notes that people have lost the ability to ask each other the questions that start meaningful conversations. She adds, “The closest we get to our community is when something goes wrong. I have a close connection to my family.”

That being said, Monique is “yet to meet an adult that would say, “Nope I don’t want interesting. Nope I don’t want fun. Nope I don’t want innovative.”” For now Monique fills her presentations and her life with these things and can back up everything she says with experience.

Monique is self taught. While she reads a lot of books, it was an older friend who explained to her that seniors have a lot of answers because they have a lot of time to think. Monique makes time daily to sit in specific spot to think.  She says, “Sometimes I just sit and think I am the luckiest person in the world.”

STILL DIGESTING

Monique is bright without being brassy. Her enthusiasm for meeting, for sharing and for our lunch is infectious. She says she is surprised by how reserved I am, but I leave surprised by how much she has drawn out of me. She was once a journalist and says she prefers interviewing to being interviewed. We both know the value of a good question.

Monique and I spoke about the fact that some people might find her unconventional. She thinks the same might be true of me.

Monique told me about an experiment with lab rats. One rat was placed in a black cylinder and basically spun around until it died of exhaustion. The other rat was placed in a black cylinder with the smallest pin prick of in it. You couldn’t really see it, but the rat clearly knew where it wanted to go, towards the light.

Monique may have been drawn to the mirror, but everyone I have had dinner has been drawn to something that they knew they would do regardless of the expectations of others. In fact, a few have told me that the disapproval that initially troubled them eventually became a measure of just how right their choices were.

Before meeting Monique, I had wondered about a world that required motivators, but she admits to having times when she must motivate herself past her doubts. However differently each of us might address our fears, she is absolutely right that we must.  Like many of the people I have eaten with this year, she is too drawn to the lights to be held back by the darkness.